


On the Way to Heaven (I'm Not Leaving Unless You Come With Me)

by newyorktopaloalto



Series: Derry's Premier Murder/Turtle Cult [2]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Chatlogs, Crack Treated Seriously, Every IT canon wrapped into one fic, F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon, Texting, Twitter, heavy formatting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-31 07:17:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21111803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newyorktopaloalto/pseuds/newyorktopaloalto
Summary: Local Legends Pod ✔ @locallegendspod@thefakerichietozier @billdenbrough58Would either of you be interested in an interview with regard to living in Derry, Maine?[There has never been a murder-cult in the town of Derry, Maine - no matter what Richie Tozier would have the public believe.][Can be read as a stand-alone]





	On the Way to Heaven (I'm Not Leaving Unless You Come With Me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vegalocity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vegalocity/gifts).

> Disclaimer: I definitely do not own IT. Title from Something Happened on the Way to Heaven by Phil Collins. 
> 
> I have been on the outskirts of this fandom for over a decade (thanks, vegalocity), so all of my headcanons are a weird conglomeration of the book, the miniseries, and the new movies - I apologize in advance.

**Local Legends Pod ✔ @locallegendspod** _@thefakerichietozier @billdenbrough58_ Would either of you be interested in an interview with regard to living in Derry, Maine? 

**Teresa 🌲 @teeersa_100** _@locallegendspod_ public call out omfg 

**steven with a ph @rikernobeard** _@thefakerichietozier @billdenbrough58_ dont do it they always think its a murdercult 

**Richie Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@locallegendspod_ happy to. (and you didn’t hear it from me but talk to _@marshfashions_ & _@benhanscomdesign_ as well)

**Beverly Marsh ✔ @marshfashions**_ @thefakerichietozier_ I cant believe we’re friends. 

**😎😎liz😎😎 @lizzieliz** fashion icon and total hottie _@marshfashions_ somehow friends with trash raccoon _@thefakerichietozier_?????

**Stanley Uris @stantheman** Trash Raccoon. (_@thefakerichietozier_.)

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** _@thefakerichietozier_ trash raccoon 

**Bill Denbrough ✔ @billdenbrough58** _@thefakerichietozier_ ‘[T]rash raccoon’. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@locallegendspod_ it was totally a murder cult and _@eddiek_ got STABBED in the FACE for the trouble. 

**l o v e l y b o n e s @littlecreepiesheebiejeebies** _@thefakerichietozier_ BUT DID HE DIE??? 

**I… Am a Librarian @mikehanlon** _@thefakerichietozier_ You know you made it sound like you were a PART of the murder cult, as opposed to just being in the same town. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** My Time In A Murder Cult: A Memoir by Richard Tozier (forward by Cult Leader _@billdenbrough58_)

**Stanley Uris @stantheman** I always knew that Hollywood was full of murder cults. Sad. (_@thefakerichietozier_.)

**Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden** _@stantheman_ omg 

**Bill Denbrough ✔ @billdenbrough58** _@audraaaden_ ‘omg’. 

**Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden** _@billdenbrough58_ b l o c k e d

**MARIA @agirlnamedmaria** _@audraaaden_ and _@billdenbrough58_ are relationship goals 

**Ben Hanscom @benhanscomdesign** I’m at a meeting for four hours and I come back to chaos in my timeline. 

**From Altair 4 @jamesgardener** _@benhanscomdesign_ [troywithpizza.gif]

### 

  
**Eds**  
Okay, I give up - where are you? 

**Rich**  
i’m at the baggage claim. 

**Rich**  
i’ll stand on a chair for you babe. 

**Eds**  
[Look behind you, asshole.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21690979)

* * *

**Losers Club 2.0**

**[15:46] Richie** look whose business is finally on the best coast!!! [eddieinlax.png]

**[15:46] Richie** 'whose' is correct--fuck you grammar wobble. 

**[15:47] Bev** Why are you licking him? 

**[15:47] Richie** he likes it. 

**[15:47] Stan** Gross. 

**[15:47] Richie** don’t you have a job or something? 

**[15:47] Stan** It is almost 6 P.M., Richie. 

**[15:47] Stan** I am in Atlanta. 

**[15:47] Stan** And shouldn’t you be annoying Eddie? That’s what he’s there for. 

**[15:47] Eddie** Speaking of - shouldn’t you be helping me with my luggage, Rich? :) 

**[15:47] Eddie** :) :) :)

**[15:48] Bill** Okay, who taught Eddie how to passive-aggressively use emoticons? 

**[15:48] Eddie** Your wife. 

**[15:48] Richie** eds spagheds with a righteous zinger there, billy boy. 

**[15:48] Richie** if you don’t hear anything from me it’s because-- 

**[15:50] Patty** RIP Richard Tozier, Killed by Edward Kaspbrak. 

**[15:50] Stan** He lived an okay life, honey, and he wouldn’t want us to mourn him for long. 

**[15:50] Eddie** How to Get Rid of a Dead Body

**[15:50] Eddie** Wait, this isn’t google. 

**[15:51] Bev** Rest in Peace, Richie.

### 

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** Would anyone (esp. _@thefakerichietozier_) like to explain THIS? [richietoziermoustache2007.jpg]

**Beverly Marsh ✔ @marshfashions** Very Tom Selleck-ian. _@eddiek @thefakerichietozier_

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** _@marshfashions_ I guess, if you want to make a nice comparison. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** would you care to explain why you were looking through a box stuffed in the back of my closet hmmmm _@eddiek_? 

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** Also found this [losersphotoboothstrip.jpg] _@thefakerichietozier @billdenbrough58 @marshfashions @benhanscomdesign @stantheman @mikehanlon_. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** oh my GOD look at you with your fanny pack--adorable. _@eddiek_

**TMZ ✔ @TMZ** Childhood photo of _@billdenbrough58 @marshfashions_ and _@thefakerichietozier_ CONFIRMED. Derry, Maine; 1990. 

**lisa 👽 @agentlisascully** omg _@snohomishjen_, i think the redhead is _@thefakerichietozier_!

**who killed laura? @snohomishjen** fuckign omg _@agentlisascully_ i die 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** when you’re not quite famous enough to be included in _@TMZ_’s commentary. _@benhanscomdesign_

**Beverly Marsh ✔ @marshfashions** beep beep _@thefakerichietozier_. 

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** Beep Beep _@thefakerichietozier_. 

**Bill Denbrough ✔ @billdenbrough58** Beep beep, _@thefakerichietozier_. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** i now know what it feels like to be cyber-bullied, and it is NOT a victimless crime. stop cyber-bulling 2k17. 

**nice things are nice @tozierfan10101**wtf is happening rn 

**𝆱♢laura♢𝆲 @sflauracalibitch** _@tozierfan10101_ id e k but i am liVINg 

**TMZ @TMZ** _@benhanscomdesign_ is an architect, most well-known for designing the new branch of the _@Smithsonian_ in DC. 

**Ben Hanscom ✔ @benhanscomdesign** Look, I got a checkmark. 

**Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden** _@benhanscomdesign_ you’re famous now, bb, congrats. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔ @marshfashions** _@benhanscomdesign_ [blowingkiss.gif] 

**Stanley Uris @stantheman** Did you make a .gif of yourself, Bev? (_@marshfashions_.) 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** i loathe the way you type _@stantheman_.

* * *

**BuzzFeed ✔ @BuzzFeed** 21 Celebrities Who You Didn’t Know Knew Each Other 

**💖Rita Hayworth💖 @dufresneonthebrain** _@BuzzFeed_ u forgot to mention the murdercults for _@billdenbrough58 @thefakerichietozier_

**ricky ricky ricardo @laboiiiiiis** _@BuzzFeed_ what about the murder cult? 

**not that lee majors @leemajors1994** _@BuzzFeed_ _@locallegsndspod_ MURDER CULT PLZ

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@BuzzFeed_ you guys forgot to mention _@eddiek_ who’s the only REAL celebrity in my mind. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** also forgot about the murder-cult, _@BuzzFeed_, that i was definitely never part of. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@locallegendspod_ one murder-cult worshiped a turtle god & the other an alien clown. guess which i was in. (i hate clowns.)

**🐢turtle cult🐢 @tozierfan10101** _@thefakerichietozier_ ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡omg turtle cult ftw!!!!!!!

### 

  
**Richie**  
i heard a rumor that bill & audra are going to miami?

**Richie**  
do you happen to know anything about this mike? 

**Richie**  
should we all have a reunion or are they going to finally seduce you?

**Mike**  
We can all go to Disney, I’ve never been. 

**Richie**  
MIKE, YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA. 

**Mike**  
Why would I go by myself when I can convince all of you to come with me? 

**Richie**  
i am a 41-year-old man with no children. 

**Mike**  
Okay, but they have Star Tours and that new Avatar Land. 

**Richie**  
James Cameron can suck my entire dick. 

**Richie**  
but you got me with Star Tours. 

* * *

**Losers Club 2.0**

**[20:54] Mike** Okay, so who wants to visit me in Florida? Bill, Audra, and Richie are already in and we’re going to Disney World because I’ve never been.

**[20:54] Richie** wait, i just barely agreed to this. 

**[20:54] Bev** Neither have I, Mike, so I’m totally in. 

**[20:55] Eddie** I just finished unpacking my shit into Rich’s condo and now I have to re-pack for a two week trip to Florida? 

**[20:55] Eddie** Guess I’ll just die. 

**[20:55] Richie** babe i’ll help you pack. 

**[20:55] Eddie** You came to Derry with one change of clothing and no toothbrush. 

**[20:55] Mike** hahahahaha

**[20:56] Richie** it’s because all i could think about was seeing your cute face again after 27 years. 

**[20:57] Audra** need me a man who talks about me the way richie talks about eddie

**[20:57] Patty** Same, tbh.

**[20:57] Patty** As the youth say. 

**[20:57] Audra** ‘the youth’. 

**[20:58] Richie** i cannot believe that i went from zero romantic interests to having an eddie AND two extremely lovely ladies whose husbands died from their severe burns. 

**[20:58] Richie** what a difference a year can make.

**[20:59] Richie** now this is what i call character progression. 

**[20:59] Bill** It’s called character development, and I know that you know that, Richie. 

**[20:59] Eddie** Bill? I thought you were dead.

**[21:00] Ben** Wow. I am really feeling the love in this Chili’s tonight. 

**[21:00] Eddie** What?

**[21:00] Patty** What?

**[21:00] Bev** What?

**[21:00] Mike** What?

**[21:00] Richie** does that make Bev Jim? 

**[21:01] Richie** i mean ‘what’? 

**[21:01] Stan** If we want to have the full experience I’ve already made up a list of Disney resorts that can house the entire group. 

**[21:01] Bill** It’s been five minutes, Stanley. 

**[21:01] Eddie** Nerd. 

**[21:01] Richie** you TOOK my line. 

**[21:01] Eddie** You said it out loud, what was I supposed to do? Let you have it? 

**[21:02] Eddie** I don’t think so, Rich. 

**[21:02] Mike** I love my friends. 

**[21:02] Bill** hahahahaha.

* * *

  
**Mike**  
I hope it’s okay that I invited everyone else to Florida as well. 

**Mike**  
It’s just been awhile, is all. 

**Bill**  
No, don’t worry - I’m happy you did. 

**Audra**  
Bill wanted to but didn’t feel it apropos. 

**Audra**  
Considering we’re technically your guests. 

**Mike**  
You’re never guests and you know it, Audra. 

**Audra**  
You made Bill tear up, hahahaha. 

**Mike**  
Hahahahaha. 

**Bill**  
You two are going to bully me back into stuttering. 

**Mike**  
Audra, how do you take a screenshot? 

**Bill**  
I ripped the heart out of a giant spider alien and all I get in thanks and return is being bullied to death. 

**Bill**  
What a pathetic way to die, considering. 

**Mike**  
Never mind, I figured it out. 

### 

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** Life Advice: Your childhood bully? Murder him. 

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@eddiek_ you murder me every night, Eds. little deaths. #ifyouknowhwhatimean 

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** _@thefakerichietozier_ :(

**bro that’s gay @brothatsgay** _@thefakerichietozier @eddiek_ bro, that’s gay

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@brothatsgay_ bro, that’s *bi. 

**lisa 👽 @agentlisascully** _@thefakerichietozier_ I C O N I Q U E 

**Beverly Marsh ✔ @marshfashions** For further life advice and more news on the Derry murder cult, follow _@eddiek_. 

**Local Legends Pod ✔ @locallegendspod** Any chance we could get an interview, _@eddiek_?

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@locallegendspod_ don’t worry, _@eddiek_’s coming with me. (which is also what happened last night lolol)

**🐢turtle cult🐢 @tozierfan10101** _@agentlisascully_ we stan a legend

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** _@thefakerichietozier_ :( :( :(

**Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiek** _@thefakerichietozier_ Guess who's sleeping on the couch tonight?

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** _@eddiek_ i know it's me and i don't like it.

**lisa 👽 @agentlisascully** _@tozierfan10101_ we really do

**Author's Note:**

> xoxo


End file.
